20 March 2014

Sigh, Feel That I have Lost My Smile

Long long ago when I just finished NS, I was so full of hope for the future, I had so much energy, I felt so motivated, but after hanging around in the "system" for nearly a decade, everyday seems to be so repetitive, wake up, go to work, lunch with colleagues, come home, eat, shower, see movie, sleep, repeat, all for what? Money to pay bills and in order to be able to keep paying my bills, I have to keep the cycle going, sigh, sometimes I feel like throwing everything aside, don't give a shit about anything or anyone, just buy a ticket and fly to Thailand with my wife.

Unfortunately, "I can't afford to do that", which will also be what most people here will say, seriously, we are all "stuck" in the system, well unless you are filthy rich then it doesn't matter to you. Sometimes I really envy those people who are born rich, they don't have to do anything, they don't have to be wary, everything falls in place for them anyway, people like me have to "try our best" in order to get what we want, or need, I call it unfair, people will call me a loser, but heck, who doesn't complain.

Then again, comparing, complaining, at the end of the day still the same, doesn't help to change my life in any way, perhaps I should find something meaningful to do, or find myself a new challenge, I have already forgotten the feeling of being thrilled about something new, you know when I first came into contact with programming language, you have no idea how obsessed I was, I could spend hours studying the thing, reading books, doing research, or the kind of feeling like when I was a young boy, whenever I got a new Sega game, I could sit down in front of the TV and play non-stop for 5 or 8 hours, yeah, not even stopping to take a drink or anything, can you believe it? My mom had to switch off the power to force me to stop, that kind of feeling, I have no idea how to get it back.

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